Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders. But it keeps getting harder to find one.

At the bank I told the cashier that I'd like to open a joint account. She asked, "with whom?" "Whovever has lots of money" was my reply.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I don't like making plans for the day, because then "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

The thing about Facebook is you can talk about one person and 20 others think you're talking about them.

Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers: if you find one, what's your plan?

Gone are the days when girls cook like their mothers; now they drink like their fathers.

Vegetarianism is an old Indian word for "bad hunter."

Seeing a spider isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when it disappears.