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These choice tidbits of humor were posted by Gregory DeAngelis over a period of several months on his Facebook page; collected and complied by Flo Deems.

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

A lot of people like snow...I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Live everyday like it’s your last…because one day you’ll be right!

A recent study shows that 90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women!

A man usually feels better after a few winks…especially if she winks back!

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes...there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

When she says, “That’s Okay”, she’s thinking long and hard of how and when you will pay for that mistake!

When a woman says “What?” it is not because she didn’t hear you; she’s giving you a chance to change what you said!!!

“I’m Sorry”, cannot be used for the same action twice…learn from your first mistake!

If I save time…when do I get it back?

There are some people that make you wonder…”Really? That’s the sperm that won?”

I’m not slurring my words…I’m speaking in cursive!

Black Friday: Only in America...where people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have!

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~ Erma Bombeck

On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment…halftime.

The Declaration of Independence only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.

I'm proficient in 3 languages...English, Profanity and Sarcasm!

If someone hates you for no reason...give 'em one!

Yawning is your body's way of saying, "20% battery life remaining"!

It’s not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!

According the BMI Chart my weight is just fine…I’m just too short!

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

There are three kinds of men:
1. The ones that learn by reading,
2. The few who learn by observation, and
3. The rest have to pee on the electric fence to find out for themselves.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

As a child my family's dinner menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Sometimes, I like people the way like my coffee...I don't like coffee!

Those who say that the sky is the limit don't realize there are footprints on the moon!

Exhaustipated…when you’re so tired you just don’t give a shit!

Last night I had a dream of you….and I had to sleep with the light on the rest of the night!

The ones that are often taken for granted are the ones that most deserve our gratitude.

I have come to the conclusion that diarrhea of the mouth is a direct result of sh*t for brains!

I meant to behave...but there were just too many options!

I intend to live forever... So far, so good.