Author unknown

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's a$$ anymore. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is still fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

- My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and All-Bran.

- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. What?

- If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

- It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.

- Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the tree.

- I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few.

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

- When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter: I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after."

- It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.

- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

- Have I sent this message to you before?