Received via email with the credit removed. This happens more often than not - I'd sure love to credit whoever thought these up.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.


2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.


3. No one expects you to run anywhere.


4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'


5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.


7. Things you buy now won't wear out.


8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.


9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.


10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.


13. You sing along with elevator music.


14. Your eyes won't get much worse.


15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.


17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list.