Collected by Flo Deems

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' ~ Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~ Mark Twain

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. ~ Mark Twain.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. ~ Mark Twain.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~ Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~ George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. ~ Victor Borge

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~ Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~ Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~ Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~ Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. ~ Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~ W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down, if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~ Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out. ~ Annon.

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